MORE family drama...WTF

12.22.15
We had a family viewing today. As always it was filled with family drama. Jimmy's mom, dad and sister never said a word to me about how sorry they were nor did his mom or sister ever apologize to Jimmy or I (which is what he wanted) about what they did at our house a couple of weeks ago. However, I am not surprised and the level of self-absorption still boggles my mind. With no prior warning, Jimmy's ex-wife and other kids showed up today...invited by Jimmy's mom no less. I told the funeral director that the ex was not invited and she needed to leave. Jimmy and I had talked about just this situation and he said he did not want her there. The ex-wife wouldn't leave so the funeral home had to call the police. As always, Jimmy's dad and other family members went out to see how the ex-wife was doing...never mind all of the crap she put Jimmy through over the years with the kids. After the ex left, Jimmy's daughter called me an f'in bitch and proceeded to try to go in and see Jimmy. I then told the funeral director that she nor her brother (after the watch incident) would be allowed in to see Jimmy. The daughter told me on her way out of the funeral home that I should be glad the police were there because she was going to f'in kill me. His daughter has seen him once in nearly 10 years and this is how she acted. Jimmy was so non-confrontational in his life but his family's drama constantly surrounded him and it was something he never liked or wanted to be a part of at all. I finally did let Jimmy's other kids see him because I know Jimmy would have wanted that. My loyalty is and has always been to Jimmy and, even if I didn't like it, I know it was the right thing to do for him. I did feel somewhat bad for hurting his son though. He had really tried to make an effort to have a relationship with Jimmy in the last several months. I am sorry I hurt him and would like to make things right with him. This is all so pathetic but sadly, not unexpected. The lack of respect for Jimmy is unbelievable and the fact that all of this happened in front of Logan is heartbreaking. This is truly the epitome of the life I have lived with Jimmy's family in the nearly 20 years we were together.

My new mantra is "just a few more weeks". Once Logan and I move, we will no longer have to deal with any of this drama.

Today is also Logan's birthday. I wish that I could have changed the circumstances for his turning 13. Jimmy made me promise that I would try to make his birthday special even if he wasn't here to celebrate it. Jimmy had written a birthday card to Logan and I am so happy he did. Logan really needed to hear from Jimmy today. Logan cried but was happy at the same time. I took Logan out to lunch and the servers all sang to him and then we walked around the mall. I think just being around people made it a more happy occasion for him. Later that evening, Logan's best friend came over to bring him a card and a birthday cupcake. We sang happy birthday and the day ended on a very positive note.

12.23.15
I finally got some sleep last night but in the middle of the night I woke up and heard Jimmy saying "Hey Hon" to me. It was upsetting and comforting at the same time. Waking up later this morning was hard because it was painfully real that Jimmy was no longer here. I miss him so much already. I miss touching him, kissing him and just hearing his voice.

To add another and, hopefully, final piece to the family drama, Logan told me that Jimmy's daughter had messaged Jimmy on his Facebook page and the message was not very nice. The message was written the day before Jimmy died. Here's what she said...

"Susan probably has a hold of your accounts. I wish you never met her. She has done nothing but torn you away from your family. This is why I never wanted to be around. You chose your life. I'm sorry you didn't choose me and jimmy. I'm sorry you chose Susan. I read her blog and the things she says are absolutely disgusting. She is trying to blame jimmy of stealing.How dare she. Jimmy is not like that and would never do that. After all the years of not being in his life and all he wanted was a father and you let her walk all over you and everyone else. I hope your happy. I have and will always be there for my family more than you ever were. I can't believe you ever really loved us when you let someone like Susan come between us. She is the most sadistic disgusting person I have ever encountered. I feel bad for you dad. I loved you and we could've been something. I pray for you every day."

If I had seen this before the family viewing, she would definitely not have been allowed to see Jimmy yesterday. I don't care what she says about me but she clearly never had any affection for Jimmy and only wanted to hurt him while he was so sick. The truth of the matter is that Jimmy didn't choose me over them. He met me long after he was separated from their mother and his life with her was over. He knew he never loved her and that marrying her was a mistake. He told me so many times that life with me was what he had always wanted even before he met me. I tried on so many occasions to welcome those kids into our life and to be amicable to their mother be she wouldn't let that happen. She had the daughter literally spit in my face after only a couple of times of meeting me. She also had the daughter, at 6 years old, leave a message on Jimmy's answering machine calling me a "bitch". Over the years, Jimmy just wanted to be dad to those kids but was not allowed to do so. The ex-wife hid them from him for months at a time and tried to have him arrested on more than one occasion when he showed up at her house to pick up the kids. When Logan was born, she told the son that Jimmy didn't need him anymore because he had another son now. There are so many things that happened over the years but it isn't worth my time and effort to list any more of them. She is literally the ex-wife from hell that got and still gets great joy from poisoning her children against Jimmy. Jimmy has been gone for only 2 days and I have already heard that she's bad-mouthing him to people. What a piece of trash...there's a special place in hell for her I'm sure.

I do want the daughter to know that she doesn't have the satisfaction she thought she had for writing that message to Jimmy. Thankfully, he never saw it. He would have been so disappointed in the bitter and disrespectful person she has become. She should also know that Jimmy never really thought she was his biological daughter. He accepted her as his daughter but always had doubts given the lifestyle her mother had before she met him. Maybe that's the real reason they never had a relationship.

As far as the watch incident goes, Jimmy did return the watch along with a note the evening on the day that Jimmy died. I was home but he didn't knock on the door. Here's the note:

While I still want to make things right because I truly believe he meant to keep the watch. Why would he have taken it in the first place if he didn't mean to keep it? He never contacted me after my text message to him two weeks ago and he only returned it after I posted about it in my blog. Not the least of which he didn't give it back to me in person. While I really do think he meant to keep the watch, I also think that maybe he just wanted something else of Jimmy's. I am still willing to give him something else if he wants it. He deserves it. He made an honest effort to come back into Jimmy's life and I know Jimmy appreciated that. Jimmy loved him very much.

Well, enough of that negativity.

Logan and I went to see the movie Creed today. Spoiler Alert ahead in case you haven't seen the movie. While the movie was really good, part of the storyline was that Rocky has cancer and they showed him going through chemo treatments, getting sick and losing his hair and, in Philadelphia of all places. For those of you who may not know, that's where we live and where the hospitals are that Jimmy was treated in. I lost it in the movie theater. If I had known that this was part of the movie, I would have definitely waited to see it.

Tonight was a really tough night. I couldn't seem to stop crying. All I want is to be able to see Jimmy and to talk to him. I want to hold him and comfort him. I miss his physical presence. It feels so empty in the house. Even though he was in the hospital a lot in the past 3 years, and for days at a time, I know this time is different. He's not coming home.

Much love,

Susan
xoxo