A hard few days...

Another thing I didn't mention that happened a couple of weeks ago is still weighing on my mind. Jimmy's oldest son came to see him on Saturday, 12/5, with his new girlfriend. Jimmy had friends over and I took Logan to a swim meet. While they were here, the girlfriend went into our bedroom and took Jimmy's Michael Kors watch. Later that day, he came back over with BEER and wearing the watch! That's when I realized he had taken it. I didn't want to say anything in front of Jimmy but we talked about it later. I swear I don't know where Jimmy came from because he is not like anyone in his family. It seemed really strange to me. He stayed for another hour and a half before I asked him to leave. My friends were here and we were going out to get something to eat. About 15 minutes later, he texted me saying he thought he forgot his keys in my house, so we went back to let him in. Sure enough his keys were there. Since he came back into Jimmy's life, I wasn't sure I could trust him. There was just something I couldn't put my finger on. Now I know I can't. I used to just leave the door open when I left in case there was an emergency while I was gone but I had stopped doing this because people would just come and go as they please and Jimmy can't have that anymore. I believe he thought I would leave the door open so he could just go in. Jimmy said that someone had tried to open the door while we were gone. I wholeheartedly believe that he was after something and he thought he could just come in and take it. Jimmy had already given him his guitar and his son knew how much it meant to Jimmy. The watch was supposed to be for Logan since he gave it to Jimmy for Father's Day. So, I texted Jimmy's son to tell him this and offered to give him another of Jimmy's watches. Well, its been almost 2 weeks and I've heard nothing from him. I hope he got what he wanted and that he enjoys the watch...asshole.


12.15.15
Another eventful night of no sleep and cleaning up. Apparently, 3am is the magic hour, since I am up every night at that time. I have resorted to sleeping on the couch, so I can be near him in case he needs me. I feel like all I do is watch to see if he is breathing all night long.

Jimmy is definitely showing signs of declining. He is getting increasingly confused and he is sleeping more. He is also having more trouble understanding me when I talk to him. He says jibberish sometimes and uses the wrong words to describe something. This morning he was trying to tell me to move the "pillow" but kept saying the word "ball" instead. This makes me so sad. I find myself crying on an off all day long. Jimmy definitely still hears and understands though. When I offered him a cannoli this morning, he raised his eyebrows, smiled and woke up to eat a cannoli. For someone who never ate sweets that often, he certainly has a sweet tooth now. Then, this afternoon, I was just holding his hand and talking to him about nothing when he looked up at me...so, I winked at him. In true flirty Jimmy fashion, he winked right back! Just when I think he's finished surprising me, he does it again. These are the times I'm going to cherish and remember.

The evenings seem to be the hardest times for all of us. Watching Logan watch Jimmy like this breaks my heart. He is being so strong and he sometimes tries to comfort me instead of the other way around. I know I've said it before, but no child should have to watch a parent suffer the way Logan has watched Jimmy suffer. Speaking of comforting, while I had my head on Jimmy's chest tonight I started to cry. He's been pretty unresponsive all day but he put his hand on my head to comfort me. Of course, that just made me cry even more. Even now, he's still taking care of me. I love this man so much!


12.16.15
Today was a mostly good day but he also had a lot of confusion today. When he woke up, he didn't know why he was hurting. I explained to him that he was sick and had cancer. He got very upset and started to cry because to him it was like hearing the news for the very first time. It broke my heart. A friend of Jimmy's came over in the morning and he had a good visit. He was able to have a conversation and he really enjoyed Frank coming to visit.

The psych nurse came a little later in the and Jimmy was very confused when he was here. He didn't know what day it was and he didn't think he was dying. He told the nurse that he only found out today that he had cancer. When the nurse was leaving, he told me that everything that was happening was normal and due to the progression of the disease.

Tonight Jimmy asked me to lay down next to him so I did. We talked and cried and it was so nice to be in his arms. I was so worried that I would fall asleep and my laying there would hurt him. We fell asleep for about an hour and a half before I got up. It felt so normal and I will treasure that time forever.


12.17.15
After all of the bullshit last week, the social worker had planned to come today so Jimmy's parents and sister could come over to see Jimmy...Jim (dad), Tavy (mom) and Tina (sister). They knew last week that today was the day for the visit but when I talked to Jimmy's dad this morning, he said that he didn't feel like coming over...that Tina decided to work today and Tavy didn't have a car to get here...UNBELIEVABLE! It pisses me off that they aren't even trying to make an effort to see Jimmy...not the least of which none of them have gotten in touch to see how he is doing since last Tuesday. I don't want to hear how much they care about Jimmy anymore because clearly they don't. Like things aren't bad enough already...I have to worry about family drama and thieves.

On a positive note, I let Logan stay home from school today so that we could spend time together as a family. It was really good for all of us to just be quiet at home.


12.18.15
Today wasn't the best of days. By the time Logan got to school, he was really upset and worried about Jimmy and wanted to come home. So, I went to pick him up and we spent another day just being together. We will never get this time back and I don't want Logan to lose any more time with Jimmy than he will already have to do so.

The nurse came over early today and Jimmy was in a lot of pain and had a fever. He has trouble swallowing and she wanted to put him on a liquid medication to go along with the pump medication, since he can't really take any of the oral meds anymore. I've had to crush them up in the last day just so he can take them. He hasn't really eaten in the last few days either. He says he just isn't hungry. She told me that these are all things to be expected and if he doesn't want to eat, then don't make him eat. We've also had a couple of bathroom accidents as well where I've had to change the sheets on the bed. Let's just say that its not easy to do without help.

It took a while for the liquid mediation to arrive and we've had to play catch up all day long to get Jimmy's pain under control. I've been setting the timer for every 15 minutes to push the button on the med pump since about 10am...it is now 9:30pm. He is finally sleeping peacefully and, hopefully, not in pain. I'm sure I will be up at 3am again though, just like I have been for the last few nights. With any luck, he will sleep the night through.

Thank you for those of you that have reached out via phone, text, email and Facebook. It truly means so much to my family that you care so much. Please continue to pray that Jimmy's pain can stay under control and that he gets a good night's rest.

As always, thanks for listening...XOXO and May God Bless You.

Susan