Jimmy's Gone

I had chronicled the last few days as they happened and today I am devastated. The end has come for Jimmy and he is now in the arms of God resting peacefully. I have lost the love of my life and my best friend. My life as I've known it for nearly 20 years has been changed forever.


12.19.15
We've been up since 2 a.m. because Jimmy's pain has been excruciating. Since he can no longer swallow his oral medication, he's had to miss a couple of doses and is now having to play catch up. We had a nurse come this morning around 4 a.m. to increase the pain medication in his pump to make up for the missed doses and to hopefully, make it so his pain is lessened. It took several hours before he was able to start getting any kind of relief. He upped is continuous dose on the pump and the button push to six times an hour instead of 4. I've had to set the timer for 10 minutes all night long.

I was talking to Jimmy this morning and he said "I'm ready to go". He said it three times and it scared me. I went to get Logan out of his room and we came to the bed, started crying and just talked to Jimmy. After a few minutes, he looked right at me and said "what the hell is going on". I swear I didn't know what to think, so I just started laughing. Jimmy, in true Jimmy fashion, smiled right at me like there was some inside joke I didn't know about.

We had another nurse that came mid afternoon and she increased his pump medicine again. She reiterated again that I have to continue to crush his oral medication and she put him on a strict schedule for it. She said I could give it with some juice so it wouldn't taste so bad and it might be easier for him to handle. Even then, he chokes on the small amount of medicine I'm giving him through the syringe. Of course, that's not helping because some of the medicine is for relaxation.

It has been a very stressful day as well as a very tiring day. I was able to get in bed with him and it helped him relax and it was good for me too just laying close to him. I just kept setting the timer for every 10 minutes so he would get that extra medication.

Jimmy has also completely stopped eating and drinking. He is going to the bathroom very little at this point. The nurse tells me that these are definite signs that the end is near.

In the evening, Jimmy blurted out "check, please". I didn't think I understood him so I asked him what he said. Again, he said "check, please". Then he said "let's go" and that was it. I guess we'd had dinner and he was ready to go...who knows.

I just want peace for him and for him to stop suffering. His body has been through enough in the past 3 years.


12.20.15
We went another night with no sleep and my pushing the pain pump. I am literally running on fumes right now. I made coffee for myself at 5 a.m. but was too tired to drink it. I took a few sips and I literally couldn't hold the coffee cup anymore. Jimmy has been so uncomfortable that he hasn't had good sleep in about 2 days.

The nurse came early around 9:30 a.m. She was worried about Jimmy's pain and seeming so agitated. His heart rate is very high and he just seems really distressed. The tremors, which are caused by the high doses of medication, continued constantly throughout the day and I hate having to watch them. I know they don't hurt Jimmy but just knowing he's so uncomfortable is upsetting. The nurse decided to give him a medication that was in the kit of meds they gave me when he started hospice. It is a med specifically for agitation. She gave him a dose and within an hour, the tremors and jerks seemed worse. She called me to see how he was doing and I told her this. She had already talked to the doctor and he said don't give him that medication again. So, once again, we are changing his meds up. She told me to take him off of everything except the pump and the one liquid medication. He isn't on anymore pills, so I don't have to crush anything anymore.

Once again, I laid down next to Jimmy today. We both seem to be able to rest and relax when we are next to each other. I slept on and off for about an hour. I so hope he gets as much comfort as I do from just being close to him. While next to him, I talked to about all of the things we've done over the years and the places we've gone on vacation. He seemed to enjoy reminiscing.

The hallucinations continued throughout the day and he said more things that didn't make sense. I do think that he is working things out in his head before he lets go. As evening approached, the liquid medication seemed to be working and he started to relax. The tremors slowed down and he started to really rest and get some sleep.


12.21.15
It was another rough night and Jimmy's rest was short lived. The tremors continued and I had to give him the liquid medication just about every hour all night long. At the 4 a.m. dose, he seemed scared and started yelling "help" for about 5 minutes. Then, I got scared and decided to call the nurse. He explained that often this happens at end of life where he patient thinks that the person taking care of them is trying to hurt them. This really hurt my feelings but I know it wasn't Jimmy doing it. He became more agitated and started biting his lip over and over until it started to bleed. I had to push a wash cloth between his teeth for a while so he wouldn't make the bite marks any worse. He finally calmed down after about 15 minutes and I just sat next to him and held his hand. I really don't know how he's still fighting. I managed to get about 2 hours of broken sleep and Jimmy rested early in the evening but, for the most part, we've both been up all night again.

Jimmy passed at about 9:15 a.m. this morning after fighting so hard for 3 long years. He had another seizure this morning and then he was gone. When he looked at me, we both just knew it was time. I laid my head on his chest and listened until his strong and wonderful heart stopped beating. Logan had already come home from school this morning because he called and just wanted to be home. He was home for about 15 minutes before Jimmy passed. My heart is broken for Logan and I grieve already for the lost times Logan would have had with Jimmy.

I know that I will continue to cry and grieve for a long time to come. The only good thing that has come from today is that Jimmy is finally no longer in pain and is living in heaven. I know that I will see him again one day.

Please pray for my family. Thank you. xoxo

Susan