Having a Pity Party

9.12.14
It has been a very emotional week for me.

Before I get into that, let me update you on how Jimmy is feeling.  His pain is being managed pretty well with medication at this point.  He has had 7 of his 25 radiation treatments so far.  Hopefully, the radiation will kill the tumor and maybe even shrink it (even though it didn't shrink the last one in his leg).  He has a slight limp when he walks and he gets tired easily.  If you knew him and saw him now, you would think he looks a little tired.  All of this is very taxing on his body and it literally wears him out.

We talked to Jimmy's surgeon this week and she seems very concerned about him.  Given the emergency room incident last week and the blood clots in his lungs, she is afraid the blood clots might come back and is thinking he may need a surgery to place a mesh insert in the femoral vein to keep blood clots from traveling to his lungs again.  The doctors literally told us that he would have died because of the blood clots if he had not gotten to the hospital when he did.  Jimmy's surgeon is afraid of a repeat performance of the blood clots if this surgery isn't done and she wants to make sure that he makes it to the big surgery to remove the tumor.  We trust her...the surgeon is Dr. Kristy Weber at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital.  She is the Chief of Orthopaedic Oncology and Director of the Sarcoma Program at the Abramson Cancer Center.  Basically, she is really the best at what she does and, if she says Jimmy needs this surgery, he will have it done.  She told us that she has consulted with other experts and will make a decision soon about scheduling this surgery.

Now, on to my pity party...

The day after Jimmy came home from the hospital I lost it.  I don't mean a few tears either.  I mean heaving and crying so hard I was shaking that lasted a long time.  I did it while clinging on to Jimmy in full sight of Logan.  While that might not be the right thing for some, it's what happened.   I just couldn't help myself.  It ended in one big group hug with me, Jimmy and Logan.  That was the best part of my breakdown.  Me and my two boys know that we are in this together, no matter what.

As for me now, I am incredibly sad.

I met with my therapist this week and she told me it was okay to be sad and to feel sorry for what is happening in our lives.  There is a part of me that feels really guilty for being so sad.  I mean...how dare I not be strong?  Does it make me weak for being sad?  What kind of wife/mom am I that can't be depended on to make things right?  What I realize is that its OKAY to have these feelings.  It doesn't make me weak or inferior, it makes me human.  That was a very hard realization for me.  I always want to be the one to take care of things and to realize that sometimes I can't do it all is hard to accept.

Every day this week has been very depressing for me and I have done a lot of crying.  I am just so scared that I'm going to lose Jimmy.  I am not ready for that.  I am not ready to face life without him nor am I ready for Logan to face life without him.  After last week, that's all I think about.  And, after talking to the surgeon and her being so worried about the blood clots, that didn't help either.

I'm not sure why but today was the first day all week that I didn't feel quite so sad.  Today was the first day I didn't cry this week.  The sun was shining and the sky was blue and I'm thinking that may have been one of the reasons.  The day was so bright and seemed so full of hope.  Whatever it was, I'm glad that I felt a little better today.

Again, I am going to say thank you to all of you who continue to support my family...both near and far...all 56 countries of you.

In closing, I have one thing to say...