April 27, 2013 - A Very Emotional Week

Since Jimmy got home from Round 4, he has been more tired than ever and more emotional as well.  So have I.  As usual, he is sick and very fatigued.  His body is also very sore all over.  He didn't really get out of bed until Monday, April 22.  He took the dog out and came back exhausted.  It is so hard to see him that way.  I hate that he is weak and feeling so crappy.  Wednesday he planned to get out of the house and felt like he was going to pass out just getting ready to do so.  He did go out but it was not an easy day for him.  The treatments are getting worse and the recovery time is getting longer after each treatment.

On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, we were completely on each other's nerves.  Then, the blame game began.  Jimmy wondered why this was happening to him and hating the way the treatment was making him feel all of the time.  He said I wasn't supportive of him and that I thought this was about me.  He said he didn't understand why I was depressed since he was going through the chemo, not me.  I hated the fact that our life has changed so drastically and I am wishing for things that once was.  To see friends go out to dinner and families go on outings is painful for me to see.  I am feeling guilty for going out and doing things for myself even though I need to do that.  I have started seeing a therapist to help me sort out how I feel and to be able to say things out loud that I can't say to Jimmy.  We all are depressed that vacation was cancelled and the one thing we really look forward to each year won't happen this year.  We both are worried about the business as income is basically nonexistent and bills keep coming in.  We are both worried about Logan and how he is handling all of this.  We sat down with Jimmy's parents just to get an outside opinion about life as we know it now.  It was helpful to just talk it out with someone other than the two of us.

We went to a follow-up visit for blood work on Thursday, April 25 and talked to the doctor.  Jimmy's bloods were extremely low...hemoglobin was 9 (normal for him is 14) and white blood cells were .5 (normal is about 12)...they are getting lower after each treatment and he is now anemic and completely immunosuppressed.  We talked to the oncology nurse, the social worker and the doctor about how we have been feeling too.  The doctor's response was..."it's about time you hit this wall".  The nurse and social worker both agreed and said that this was hard on, not just Jimmy, but his entire family, including his parents, but especially on Logan and I.  Just by the fact that his bloods are so low isn't helping how he is feeling physically, since his physical and emotional states are so intertwined.  The doctor reiterated how the chemo affects his mind as well as his body.  Hence, the nightmares he has the first couple of days after treatment, coupled with the way the chemo makes him feel physically.

Basically, this sucks.  Cancer sucks.  But, we WILL get through this...together...as a family.  I know this week has really been a downer of a week but  it can only make us stronger, right?  We do know there is a light at the end of this long tunnel but, right now, it is a dim pin of a light in the distance.  Yes, I have resorted to cliches.

I pray for strength for our family and that God will heal Jimmy so he can be whole again.  I pray that Jimmy and I will continue to think positive and support each other through this journey, unconditionally.  I pray that Logan is able to understand that life as we now know it is temporary.   To those reading this blog, I ask that you pray for our family too because we believe in the power of prayer and how much it can help.