Jimmy is now on HOSPICE...

Its been a tough couple of months. I know I keep saying it but I just haven't felt like writing. I feel like living it once is enough and writing about it seems redundant. Sometimes it feels comforting to write and other times it doesn't. Well, here's what's been happening...

Below are some notes I made to myself so I'm just going to leave them as is and continue on from there...

10.12 off to chemo...truck broke down...reschedule chemo for 10.13

10.13 fever, out of control pain, ambulance to D'town hospital. Family annoyed me. Transferred to Fox Chase to find more family waiting...no chemo

10.14 getting pain meds regulated. MIL is PITA. still no chemo...may need a blood transfusion

10.15 nice quiet day at hospital with pain getting better

10.16 chemo today...no transfusion...getting to go home with pain pump...transport home via ambulance...home at 10pm

10.17 J glad to be home...both of us very tired...finally got some rest

10.18 quiet day at home packing up...pain is well managed

10.19 Jimmy is depressed...

10.26 Severe pain the past several days. Infusion pump meds increased twice. Today he can't even sit up without excruciating pain. He hasn't been eating properly and he's either awake and in pain or asleep. This is no existence. Last week, I started having my own health issues. I've had a uterine u/s and biopsy. GYN thinks I have uterine cancer. Waiting on biopsy for sure. It turned out that my GYN wanted me to have a D&C since the results of my biopsy weren't conclusive. I had my procedure done and found out that it was only a polyp...finally, some good news!

10.27 Pain seems to be better controlled. The doctor came in 10 minutes after I left. I so wish I would have been there because Jimmy had to get the news by himself. The CT Scan showed 20% growth in the last 3 weeks. No more chemo...HOSPICE. Meeting with social worker tomorrow. Very, very sad.

10.28 I cried all day yesterday and this morning. I couldn't wait to get to the hospital to see Jimmy. I knew that just seeing him would make me feel better. I was so exhausted that I could barely put one foot in front of the other today.

10.29 Home from Fox Chase via ambulance.

November was filled with getting to know the hospice people and packing the house to move. Our move date was scheduled for December 6th so Logan and I took a trip down to Mississippi to look for a place to live. After all the searching I had done the past few months online looking at houses, I found a house I liked in 2 days. We were all excited and couldn't wait to move.


Getting used to the idea that my strong and vibrant husband is on HOSPICE is surreal. We will be lucky if he makes it to Christmas this year. Its hard to believe that after 3 years, we are dealing with this now. Jimmy has been in so much pain and so uncomfortable for so long. There are days that the pain is so out of control that the nurses have had to come and increase his pain meds more than once. I hate that Logan has to see Jimmy like this. No child deserves to see his father this way. I know that everyone says that God does things for a reason. Its really hard for me to understand how God can let Jimmy suffer the way he does and for Logan to hurt so much.

Thanksgiving was very quiet this year. We stayed home. Two organizations donated turkey dinners to us as well. The kindness of strangers has been so wonderful. There truly is good in the world. Over the weekend, we watched a marathon of the Rocky movies. Jimmy and I used to do this over Thanksgiving weekend before Logan was born, so it was fun to do it again this year.

Over Thanksgiving weekend, it became apparent that Jimmy would not be able to travel and make the move to Mississippi. His pain was too great and there was no way to get him there comfortably. We are all so very disappointed that we would not move as a family. Jimmy and I tried every way possible to get him down there. I called angel flights companies and the best we could come up with was a private flight with nursing care but it would cost us $11,000. Well, that was out. So, Jimmy and I decided that Jimmy would stay at home and Logan and I would move after the inevitable happened. This still makes me very sad to think about Logan and I moving without Jimmy. A part of me feels as though we will be leaving our life with Jimmy behind. A part of me also doesn't even want to move at all because Jimmy can't go. Logically, I know the best thing for Logan and I is to be around my family and get the support that we need because we really don't get that here now. However, I am really going to miss my friends but thanks to social media, it will very easy to keep in touch.

The last couple of weeks have been exhausting. We have a hospital bed in our living room since Jimmy is completely bedridden and can't turn or lift himself up without help. He is no longer the man I once knew and I hate that for me and for him. He apologizes to me every day for putting me through this. Really?! Like he meant for this to happen?! I just hug and kiss him and reassure him that I can't imagine being anywhere else. It hasn't been easy for either of us as Jimmy's health has been declining. Now that he is bedridden, he can't get up to go to the bathroom and I have to clean him up in bed. I'm usually up every night about 2 or 3 times whether to clean him up or to just check on him. I feel like I am always needing a nap. He is so ashamed that his life has come to this. He always said that he didn't want cancer to take him piece by piece and that's what its doing. It is now taking his dignity and for that I despise cancer even more than I thought I could. Jimmy has also developed several bed sores because he is immobile. His has a few on his left leg...one on his heel and a couple on his calf. Those look like bruises but he has one on his tailbone that is really bad. No matter how often I turn him, it just can't be avoided. Just another thing this cancer has done to him...I hate cancer. Here's a pic to see just how bad it has gotten...GRAPHIC PIC BELOW...

FYI...rant to follow...I have been holding my tongue for Jimmy's sake but I can't take it anymore. This is my blog and I WILL say what I want to say...finally. Dealing with Jimmy's family has been hard. Jimmy has been sick for 3 years and his family never came around much, even when he was having chemo in the hospital. Now, they all want to come over all the time because they know he is dying. Truthfully, Jimmy doesn't want them to come all the time. We've started to have to schedule visits for them to come at the same time, so Jimmy won't get so tired having to be "on" all the time. Not to mention that they have just been showing up without calling and staying for hours on end even if Jimmy was sleeping. Oddly, Jimmy feels the need to be "on" for his family but not his friends. This week was especially difficult. Jimmy's mom and sister were here this past Tuesday and had been here for over 2 hours when Jimmy asked me to ask them to leave. His Dad showed up without calling ahead so I went outside and told him that Jimmy did not feel like visiting any longer and could he just come another time. When Jimmy's mom heard me telling him this, she wanted to know if she had to go...to which I said yes because Jimmy was tired and wanted to rest. Jimmy told me he did not want his dad to come in and he told me that he was ready for his mom and sister to leave. His mom went in my house and slammed my front door...really?! I tried to tell them nicely...again...that they needed to visit another time. His sister told me she was not leaving no matter what. She got in my face and insisted she wasn't going anywhere. I refuse to be bullied in my own home and I told her to get out pushing her toward the door. His mom came from the across the room and called me an f'ing bitch and many other things and slapped me across the face. Of course I slapped her back and said everything I ever wanted to say to her...the things that everybody else thinks but no one wants to say. If she wanted to come in my house and disrespect me and hit me, then all bets are off. After this, they still wouldn't leave. (I know you can't believe this really happened, right?) I ended up having to call the police to have them escorted out. This all happened right in front of Jimmy too. The police officer had to physically remove Jimmy's mom from my house. She continued to scream at me as she was walking out the door. His sister actually had the gall to have one of the police officers to ask me when she could come back. For crying out loud, she didn't even leave yet after having to be escorted out by the police! The police told them to get in their cars and leave and they just stayed in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before they left. Needless to say, they proved just how selfish they are...and, after all that not one person called to see how Jimmy is doing until Friday...3 days. His dad called me on Friday to say Jimmy's mom is driving him crazy about when she can see Jimmy again. He asked about Jimmy kind of like an afterthought. His mom texted me about when too but never asked how Jimmy was doing, only that she wanted to see him. I told Jimmy's dad that before his mom and sister could even come that they would have to apologize in person to both Jimmy and I. Jimmy and I also talked to the social worker and we decided that Jimmy's mom and sister will only be allowed over with the social worker here and then for only 30 minutes. I do not even want them here but if Jimmy wants them to come, then I will let them come. It will be very hard for me to welcome them through the front door after being bullied and assaulted in my own home. But, for Jimmy, I will. Jimmy's cancer has been so hard without having to deal with shit like this. My feeling is that if they truly loved Jimmy like they say they do, then when I asked them politely to leave (at Jimmy's request), they should have just agreed that they had stayed long enough and said they'd come back another time. That morning Jimmy didn't even want them to come over. He asked me to call them and tell them not to come. I was the one who insisted he let them come over. What an ass I am. Next time I will do what Jimmy wants. I also want to add that I had my best friends here from Louisiana. They came to visit Jimmy (they were going to help us move this past weekend but decided to come even though we were not moving) and this all went down in front of them...virtual strangers to Jimmy's family. Unbelievable. This has not been the first of these such episodes with Jimmy's mom but this was by far the worst. I'm tired of having to explain myself to Jimmy's family about the care I give to him. My loyalty is to Jimmy and Logan and to no one else. I'm sure I will hear something about this post but I really don't care.

Now that I've aired that dirty laundry, I will tell you how Jimmy is today. After several days of complete peace and quiet, he is resting comfortably. The hospice nurses have told me that he needs peace for his body to relax. Anxiety creates more pain for him and his body can't take any more pain. He's been eating and drinking okay but he gets tired very easily. He has also been forgetting little things for a while now but he has been very disoriented the past 2 days. He slept most of the day but I'm glad he's been able to rest. He really needs it. It made me sad that when Logan tried to talk to him tonight, Jimmy wasn't very communicative. Logan thought Jimmy couldn't hear him or didn't know who he was. I assured him that Jimmy understood but that his body is just so tired that he isn't able to respond like normal. Jimmy and Logan have talked a lot before today and Jimmy did tell Logan he loves him tonight and for that I am grateful. I want Logan to hear that as much as he can from Jimmy.

I also want to say a great big Thank You to our friends, Matt and Annie Artau. They brought over a Christmas tree for us last night, a couple of gifts for Logan and a fabulous dinner. Thank you!

Sorry it took me so long to give an update...and to air some dirty laundry. Tonight, I remembered just how good it feels to write my thoughts and feelings down. I definitely won't wait this long to write in my blog again.

Thank you for allowing me to vent and share my story with you. My thoughts and prayers go out to my friends and their families that are struggling with this horrible disease. May God Bless You. xoxo