Major Breakdown This Weekend...1st Chemo Treatment Over

2/12/15

Well, I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it...the BREAKDOWN. This past Saturday it hit me. My husband might die soon. The anxiety of it all became too much for me to handle. I was a crying mess all day long. To make matters worse, our son was having one of his "I'm not listening" days too. As for Jimmy, he was crying too. It was one of those days where none of us were able to help each other.

I had to run an errand that morning and I cried the whole time I was out. I don't always feel comfortable crying in front of Jimmy. He needs me to be his rock and the voice of optimism. Honestly, I can't always to that. I need to have a pity party of my own and he often doesn't understand that since I'm not the one who is sick.

While I was out, Jimmy decided to tell Logan what was really going on. He told him everything. For those of you who think this wasn't a good decision. Well, it was a right decision for our family. Logan is a need-to-know kid and telling him was a good thing. I'm very glad that it came from Jimmy alone. I believe that Logan needed that time with Jimmy to process the information. Jimmy said Logan got upset and cried a lot but that he seemed okay with it. I know this is something that a boy should never have to deal with and my heart hurts for him.

Sunday wasn't really any better. The anxiety of Jimmy starting chemo on Tuesday, February 10th I'm sure is a big part of all of this emotion. I know we all are hoping beyond hope that this chemo works and will do so for a long time to come. As much as I didn't feel like having people over, Jimmy's Dad and his best friend came over to visit. I know Jimmy needs this interaction and support and I'm glad they came.

The reality is that this treatment is only a way to prolong his life, not cure him and that makes me very, very sad. It makes me sad for the things Jimmy won't be able to do with Logan and I. We may not go on another family vacation, which is something that we love to do as a family. He won't be here for Logan graduating from high school. He won't see Logan go to college. He won't see Logan get married or have children of his own. He won't grow old with me. I know this might seem selfish and make me sound like I'm being a defeatist but this is our life.

I feel so overwhelmed and helpless right now. I almost feel like I am grieving for our life as we once knew it. We are on the verge of closing our business because Jimmy is unable to run it. I am still looking for work and can't find anything. We have bills that just sit because we can't pay them. Almost daily these days, I deal with an endless list of problems with our insurance company and getting them to cover prescriptions for Jimmy. I am still having migraines. I am depressed and just want to sit on the couch all day. I feel like crying all the time. I see Jimmy having such a tough time getting around and in so much pain that I wish I could just take it all away for him.

I have made friends with people on Facebook through pages for people also battling sarcoma. It is comforting to be able to talk to people going through the exact same thing. As sad as it is, only people going through this truly understand the pain and anxiety cancer brings.

I am relieved that Jimmy had his first chemo treatment this past Tuesday. His port incision is healing nicely but was a little sore when they accessed it for treatment. His treatment cycle is 21 days. On day 1 he gets Gemzar and on day 8 he gets both Gemzar and Taxotere. He gets pre-medication too and there are other drugs but those are the main drugs to treat the cancer. His neulasta shot is given on day 9 (that's the injection that boosts his immune system). He will have 3 cycles of treatment and then more scans to see if it is working.

The treatment on Tuesday went without incident. Jimmy had blood drawn before the treatment and we saw the doctor just so they could confirm that his blood counts were okay for him to start treatment. The pre-meds lasted about 15 minutes and the Gemzar took about an hour and a half. The next treatment will be much longer because the Taxotere will be given too. The drugs have to be given in succession. They cannot be given simultaneously.

Jimmy felt tired after the treatment on Tuesday night. Since he is still taking all of his other medication, he was a little out of it that night. Yesterday found him also being very tired and in pain. The pain seems to be getting worse and he really has to stay on top of the pain medication or the pain becomes unbearable.

This is so hard to watch. I want to just hold him to make it somehow better but I can't really get close to him because of the pain. His left side is in pain because of the tumors. His abdomen is still sore and now his right side has the port on it. This makes me sad that I can't hug him without him having pain.

I know was a very depressing post but my thoughts right now are indicative of my feelings about our life. I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me but merely to have empathy for our situation.

I ask for your continued prayers and support. xoxo